Crash!

I know it's been a while since I have written anything, let alone any wanderlustful tales for your amusement. In this case, however, I am not merely in a mood for self-reflection but am frustrated and would prefer to write it out instead of continuing in this frustrated haze. I realize I, at times, use this blog as a metaphorical couch, and apologize to my dedicated readers ;)

My main struggle lately has been with myself. I am trying to find pieces of Macie without feeling in cognito as a mom. There is no "Motherhood 101" offered at the local community college or Cliffs Notes at Barnes and Noble on how to transition from the person you were pre-parent to you as a parent. Despite the fact that there are ten months of pregnancy that should contribute to the process, the realization that it is for real didn't hit me until the percocet wore off.

The transformation is better likened to two trains attempting to run on the same track in opposite directions and colliding somewhere along the line. And whether you plan a child or do not, I think the collision happens either way. Surprise pregnancy only adds a few box cars to the wreckage.

Upon discovering my pregnancy, I immediately moved forward with a realization that I would be a mom, since I knew I could not have an abortion. And since that time, each and every one of my comfort zones has been blown to pieces. Most of those boxcars did not survive the crash.
I am struggling with the loss of a loved one, the birth of a loved one, the loss of my independence, the loss of geographical closeness to my freinds which in some ways signaled the loss of intimate closeness, new coworkers, new surroundings, distance from my brother and sister, the struggle between my son's father and I, the revealing of a shocking and heartbreaking past family secret, and in all of it I thought the train wreck signaled a death to myself as well.

After careful reflection ,and despite continual struggles with the aforementioned, I am starting to understand that I am still Macie. There are parts of me as a mom that I absolutely love. There are parts of the pre-parent Macie that I love. And merging the two is not going to be easy. When two trains collide, the pieces can be put back together, but it takes time.

As I anticipate my return to work I remember that I, Macie, am a challenge seeker. Complacency has never been listed as a hobby on my life's resume. Finding myself as a mom is becoming no less exciting than any other part of my life was or will be. But there are pieces of all of my past, present and future in the wreckage that I care not to repair. There are some pieces I hoped to repair and realized that there are a limited number of boxcars my engine can carry before I'm moving at a detrimental pace as a person.

Living at home again has been the hardest burden to bear. I am lacking in motherly wisdom as I have not grown into the mother I will be. My mother and I, while we agree on some practices, disagree on many others. I am finding that our similarities are more physical than any others. I am outgoing, blatant, confident, outspoken, opinionated, stubborn, feminine, and adventurous, whereas she is quite the opposite in most areas. Or at least after some of life's trials , she has become the antonyms to who I've become. That is not to say that I was always all of these things, but now I am. And we are running on separate tracks.

I could give several examples, but unless you are interested, I won't bore you with them. Bottom line is this: I feel like I am ready to stand on my own two feet again. I miss my space and my life, which, despite my parents hopes, will never be exactly as they'd imagined it. I will never be the quiet type who keeps her opinions to herself, loves Colorado, and is happy with watching movies and staying in all the time.

C'est la vie.